A PART OF YOUR GRIEF.
JAN 05, 2020
This “post” was actually meant to be a Instagram post, but apparently it was a bit too long and Instagram cut most of it off. I then went back and removed some parts to make it short enough to fit as a caption, but than thought the message, the conversation, the possible “help” it might extend to someone was to important to cut parts out of. So, instead here you have a small, weirdly formatted blog post.
I don’t think, or I haven’t seen, a lot of people talk about grief and the post traumatic stress that can accompany that grief after your loved one has passed away.
I’m even hesitant to say it’s PTSD, because one, I’m not even sure that’s what is happening and two, I feel PTSD is, sadly, warranted for those who suffer severe trauma’s. Though, I supposed your loved one dying is considered traumatic. I just don’t want to ever minimize someone’s PTSD, or insinuate I know what they are going through in that journey.
I just know, I’ve experienced things I never have prior to my friend’s passing…..
Like nightmares. Instantly, less then 24 hours after my friends passing, I started having them. I have them pretty much monthly now and sometimes the dreams aren’t even related to her passing. They’re just horribly scary scenarios that wake me up in a panic.
Panic or anxiety attacks? Again, not sure I can categorize what I’ve experienced as being that exactly. One day I had to use my GPS to get me to a place I hadn’t been, the GPS routing took me on a route that used to be the way I’d take my friend for her appointments. The exact route. My chest instantly felt tight and I had trouble taking in deep breaths. Not like I was in a panic of I can’t breath, but just “well, gee, it’s hard to get a full deep breath in right now.”
Another time, I had an appointment at the same hospital she passed away in, and I had to do all of those same familiar things I did in those last few days. Just the simple getting a parking pass ticket, going through the gate, finding a parking spot in the same parking lot. This all brought on that tight chest feeling, the issue taking in a deeper breath and this time an actual sense I was about to back out. I thought you had to be in the throws of a pretty bad anxiety or panic attack to feel like blacking out, but you don’t. It’s like your brain is trying to protect you by just completely shutting you down.
Another afternoon while grocery shopping I saw a woman with no hair. Instantly the heaviest, almost crushing, feeling I’ve ever felt in my chest came on and I had the urge to flee the store and burst into sobs all at the same time.
Whatever you want to label this, it is real.
It’s not made up.
If you’re having these episodes, please talk to someone. Don’t expect them to just go away.
They won’t.
They’ll fester. Eat you alive from the inside out. It’s so unhealthy.
If you find yourself in a somewhat similar situation in your journey, these are the scenario’s I’ve used to help ground me back into reality. Most of these I learned years earlier, after a car accident that caused some anxiety. Though that anxiety was nothing like what I’m experiencing now, the methods have helped.
Touch something.
Are you driving? Feel the steering wheel. What do you feel? How does it feel? Is it leather? Cloth? Does it have stitching?
Listen.
Are you at a grocery store? Try to listen to the music they are playing on the speaker. Listen to the conversations around you.
Visually focus on something specific.
Study it. What do you see? What colour or colours is it? Is there a pattern? What is it made of?
The one that works the best for me is the “touch” one. It calms me the quickest and sets me back to reality.
