HOW I HONOURED MY FIRST BABY.

OCT 15, 2018

I found this candle at my favourite spiritual store about a month after miscarrying my first baby. I was in serious grief mode, a grief that would last for months, and desperately looking for something to heal the raw wound. Among the many different candles, like health, creativity, wealth etc, all mostly duplicate candles, stood this one lone white candle.

Grief. It read:

This burden on my heart is too heavy to hold.

I allow my spirit to grieve the loss of this dream.

I allow my tears to cleanse me, freeing me from these crippling emotions.

I release my expectations of the future and embrace the gifts this challenge has given me.

Who knew a candle could speak straight to your soul. I planned, in my mind, to light the candle when I felt ready to say goodbye to the baby I never got to hold, but the baby I saw. The baby that had a heartbeat. That never came though. I never felt ready to say goodbye. Instead, we lit the candle on what would have been that beautiful souls arrival into the world. We lit it in the early morning, on a beach while vacationing in Curacao.

The only other time I've lit this candle was during my maternity shoot. As the impending arrival of our 2nd baby was growing close, I felt guilt. Guilt that I was forgetting about my first baby. I wanted to make sure in celebrating my new baby, I honoured the life of my first.

If you've read this far, thank you, but you may also be wondering why? Today is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day. A day where mum's with raw hearts and empty arms can feel not so alone. Finding comfort in friends they've never met but share very similar stories.