“I’M SAD I’LL NEVER CELEBRATE AN OCCASION NEXT TO YOU”

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MAY 28, 2020

I recently found Katie Jameson. She lost her son Loughlin and shares a lot about navigating and living with grief. In one of her posts this line resonated with me so much - "I'm sad that I'll never celebrate an occasion next to you" It was like a punch to the chest. Though my grief is not of a child, it is of someone I expected would be around as we grew older. Not that the loss of a grandparent or parent is any easier, but it's presumed these figures will not be around forever. You hope they age and don't leave us too soon, but realistically in life we know they will pass on before we do.

You don't expect a bestfriend, a husband, a child or sibling to leave your life so soon. It's unfathomable really.

When my daughter was born my best friend was there and came immediately again the next day, and as she cradled her around the hospital room she said "I can't wait for all the adventures we're going to have with her." I'd like to say because of my post labour delirium I gave the response of "right, like mani pedis" but that's probably me just being me. My friend rolled her eyes and responded "uh, ya I was thinking bit more grand scale" Thinking back to this moment it makes me both angry and sad. Angry at the "universe" for stealing her from my daughter. Deep sadness my daughter will never have her OWN memories of her "unofficial-official godmother". It's so gutting that I won't have her for any life event going forward, good, bad, mundane. We had so many more memories to create together. I don't see how I'll ever accept the reality that won't happen.

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