RELIVING THE LOSS.

I always look forward to May. It could be because it’s when the weather starts to get warmer, we see less rain, flowers and trees start blooming, but to be honest I think it’s primarily because it’s my birthday month.

This year is different though. I’m not looking forward to May, or my birthday really, for so many conflicting reasons.

May is the last month my best friend was alive for. How fast May has already come, and the approaching one year date, gives me a lot of anxiety if I allow myself to think about it.

Last May was such a weird rollercoaster month. A month spent mostly in the hospital, only for her to be released on my actual birthday. The only real reason she was released was so we could go to another specialist hospital in hopes of a trial medical treatment. She unfortunately did not qualify for it.

Though that wasn’t the news we wanted, we were all still hopeful. Things seemed to be going in the right direction. Her long stay at the other hospital seemed to work, and she was doing things she hadn’t been able to physically accomplish in about a month and half.

Man, looking back at us in that hospital room, and how naïve and optimistic I was after leaving that appointment. It’s like a cruel joke, truly. The entire day, now looking back, feels like a cruel joke.

My friend was feeling so much better that day, and more herself, that she suggested we stop for lunch for my birthday. It was almost like life was normal again. I had no idea it would literally be the last time we ever went out together, never mind my last birthday with her.

Less than a week after my birthday her condition worsened, like in a day. I saw her on a Monday morning and by that evening things had started to progress. Within 2 weeks of my birthday she was gone forever.

Basically I feel like my birthday is the lead up to her death. It’s like living it all over again, except with less of a blurred mind and unfortunately more aware of it coming and all that went on. I don’t know if this is how it will be forever, or if it will be just for the next few years. I know as time goes on, the wounds heal…

I wonder if others feel this way, on the lead up to a loved one’s death? Is it as if it’s happening all over again?

I know that I should be appreciative and grateful to age another year. To be healthy in general, and I don’t think I’m not appreciative or grateful of those things. I just know it’s coming with a lot of conflicted emotions from last year, and to experience my first birthday without her this year…

I just think I’m not into the celebratory mood for it all this year.

And, you know what? That’s ok.

It’s my journey to navigate and I have to do and feel what’s best for me.