HOW TO HELP A FRIEND GOING THROUGH A LONG TERM ILLNESS.

I debated writing this post.

I then debated publishing this post.

Why? Well, one as much as I love to blog I like to keep my private life out of the “public eye” and I also like to keep my blog cheery and happy. Second, this story isn’t really mine to tell or share.

I also debated because, really there is no manual for finding out and dealing with your dearest friend having Cancer. Not to mention, every Cancer situation is different and my ways of helping my friend may seem ridiculous to your situation. Then I thought of the phrase “power is knowledge”, and in these types of situations we all need the power to overcome and help our loved one overcome. Not to mention, just hearing the word Cancer tends to freeze the brain and cause us to not think logically or even think of the simple ways we can help. We tend to think the big grand gestures are ways to help, but it’s the smaller things that are always the best ways to help.

These are a few things I’ve done or suggested to others, that I hope have helped my loved one along the way of diagnosis, treatment and so on.

If your friend will allow it, go to as many of the doctor appointments as you can with them. They need to be absorbing the information the doctor is telling them, so you are their second set of ears for when they need clarifications. Even be the note taker of the important information so they can concentrate fully on what the doctor is saying versus trying to listen to the doctor and take notes. Notes are a good way for your friend to look back on the appointment and try to make sense of some things they weren’t clear on, ask questions for the next appointment and research some of the information given on their own.
Be patient with your friend. They will go through a lot of different emotions and may not reply to a telephone call or text when you “check in”. This is no time for you as their friend to get hurt feelings, let them know you are there for them when they feel ready to chat. With that being said, don’t ever stop checking in daily. Even if they haven’t responded in 3 days.
I’m guilty of ALWAYS trying to make someone feel better, offer clarity to a situation or emotion, basically I’m a good listener but not really. Sometimes all your friend wants is to vent, get something they fear off their chest but don’t want a “fix” for it or a reasoning. Learn to just listen to your friend, no opinions warranted. Unless they of course ask.
Carve out some time on their treatment days to be with them, I know some treatments are quite lengthy but it will mean a lot to your friend if you even spent an hour with them during it.
Make them meals, one’s they can just reheat in an oven for dinner that evening. Or one’s they can freeze. If you suck at meal making, think about getting them gift cards for Skip The Dishes, Uber Eats or any of those pre-planned meal delivery services.
Other great ways of helping are paying for some cleaning services to help them keep their house maintained or offering your own services to clean their house, help them do laundry, offering to shuffle their kids to and from school or other curricular activities. Do they have fur babies? Maybe they need help walking their fur baby after treatment days.
Are you going to do your grocery shopping on the weekend? Maybe ask if you can pick up their groceries at the same time? I mean you’ll already be there doing your own.
Put them together a little “treatment” care package. Another friend and I got a cute little duffle bag and filled it with anti nauseous natural ginger chews, some healthy snacks, a blanket, adult colouring books etc. You can fill up a bag for your friend with anything of their favourites or things that will benefit them during treatments. Maybe a nice beanie if they are going to lose their hair, if they are a reader a gift card to Chapters or perhaps some tabloid magazines, a refillable water bottle to keep their fluids up, slippers for when they are in the hospital, hand sanitizer to keep those germs away, a pill box since they will be taking a lot of medications they weren’t taking before, their favourite movies. There are an endless supply of useful things you can customize for your friend.
Don’t treat your friend differently, they are the same person. It’s great to check in on them, but also just chit chat to them like you normally would. Don’t revolve every conversation around Cancer, it’s not good for either your soul or theirs’s to let Cancer be the focus of everything in your relationship.
Do they have a significant other? Make sure you check in on that person too. They are taking the burden of maintaining households and families, plus being strong for their loved one. They are probably more stubborn about asking for help then your friend will be.
Once treatment ends, it doesn’t mean your friend is miraculously better. Maybe their scans show no more cancer cells, but their body has been put through the ringer from treatment and emotionally they will be different. Symptoms of treatments and the emotional toll will last years. Don’t stop checking in on them, and I don’t mean do this for 6 months. Do this as their friend forever. This is a part of being there for them. Still try and carve out time to go to their follow up appointments with them. These appointments bring on huge amounts of anxiety and stress, no matter how much time has passed since getting the all clear.

Again, this “list” may seem ridiculous to you, but to someone else who is feeling a bit numb after their friend tells them they have cancer might find some of these helpful. Maybe you have some tips you’d like to share? I think there’s a lot out there for when your spouse or a close family member gets diagnosed with cancer, but not a lot when your friend does. It can be hard to know where you stand in a life altering situation like that, you aren’t married to them and you aren’t blood. Know just being there sitting in silence is sometimes just what your friends needs from you.