MY MISCARRIAGE

OCT 15, 2019

5 years ago today I “woke up” and was no longer pregnant.

In the very early hours of National Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day, I miscarried my first child. I didn’t even know this day existed, until that morning. A friend, who sadly miscarried 5 months prior posted it on her Facebook. So there it was, a day about pregnancy loss on the day I lost a pregnancy.

We so easily share our pregnancy and birth stories. We relate to those stories. We have our own stories to share. The story of miscarriage isn’t as easy to share, for obvious reasons. There’s not a lot of them to relate to. But, we need more of the miscarriage story. A lot of us need to have these stories to relate to. To be comfortable to share our own story. Miscarriage’s are confusing, because most happen before you feel your baby. Most before you see your baby. Before anyone around you see’s a growing bump. Before it all seems real.

I know your pregnancy was real. I know your baby was real. And, I know your pain is real.

Just to be clear, I’m not sharing my story for sympathy, or for compliments of “you’re so strong”. I’m sharing it to be a voice. To be heard by the woman who needs to hear it. To allow a woman to open up if she needs to. To allow her to start picking up the pieces, and not necessarily put those pieces back together in the same way. Because, can you? You can't. You can’t put those pieces of your life back together in the same way after a miscarriage. My story, hopefully, allows for a woman to pick up the pieces and find new ways of putting her life back together.

My husband and I had been married about 7 months when I decided to stop birth control and we’d “try”. Like most people’s pregnancy story, I got pregnant right away, but to be honest things never felt right.

First I could never get a strong reading when I did the pee test, so I wasn’t even 100% sure if I was pregnant. A doctors appointment, and pee test in the doctors office, confirmed I was in fact pregnant. I remember not feeling that giddy about it. I assumed it was because I already had a sense I was pregnant from my faint at home tests, but perhaps now it was just an intuition it wasn’t going to last? I mentioned to my doctor I did have some cramping, which the doctor seemed concerned enough to set up an early ultrasound.

At that ultrasound nothing unusual came up, and I even got to see the baby’s teeny tiny heart beating. I went to this ultrasound appointment alone, which looking back on after the loss, made me feel like I only understood the realness of this baby. I saw the baby, I saw the baby’s heart beating. I knew the baby and the pregnancy was real. Not that my husband wasn’t supportive, loving and understanding after my miscarriage, but as I mentioned, you feel so alone after a miscarriage. The fact my husband never saw the baby, just made it feel all that more lonely.

That giddy feeling I mentioned never getting at the initial confirmation of my pregnancy, honestly never came. In fact I was constantly on the verge of tears for no reason while pregnant. Anxiety ridden and down feeling. At the time I thought, ok pregnancy hormones. I felt no joy at all. I remember the day before my miscarriage in the grocery lineup, again on the verge of tears behind sunglasses, my husband was “scolding” me. I was down and being moody at him for no reason. I said something along the lines about the pregnancy, not being able to justify the way I was feeling. I couldn't help I was sad all the time, when I knew I should have been feeling happy and excited. I guess mother’s intuition goes both ways, you just know when things aren’t going to go right. Regardless of all the red flags, it never prepared me for the loss. It never prepared me to feel so attached to a baby I never got to meet. Never got to feel. I only ever saw that little blip on the ultrasound screen and the fast heartbeat.

That early ultrasound ended up being the worst thing for me after the miscarriage. It created so many questions no one could answer, and a lot of self blaming.

The ultrasound showed nothing wrong!

The baby was healthy, had a strong heartbeat. 

How could I have miscarried a little less then 2 weeks after that?!

The only plausible answer was that my body got rid of the baby. I never believed that my baby died. In fact, I still don’t think I truly believe my baby died. I believe my body somehow just got rid of the baby. My body was incapable of carrying it, so it just rid itself of the baby. I mean, I know that seems ridiculous now since I carried a healthy baby to full term, but that was with help….

I also compared my miscarriage to my friend’s. Her body held onto her babies, she had to have a DNC. For me, I felt like my body literally didn’t want to be pregnant as the miscarriage was fast, fierce and incredibly traumatic. I really don’t wish to go into the extreme traumatic details of the miscarriage itself. Honestly, for someone whose just experienced one it can be very triggering to read about another persons in detail like that. It can cause more harm, and the point of this post is to try and help. Honestly, I still have trouble fully reliving that part of my story.

Everything happened within less then 24 hours. I remember having some spotting while attending a meeting for my stepdaughter on a Tuesday night. I told my husband and said I’d keep an eye on it. I knew spotting could be normal so I wasn’t about to panic. The spotting continued all day Wednesday, but never seemed to get heavier or lighter, just a steady spotting all day. I worked two jobs at the time, and remember at my second job a dull pain that radiated to my right hip starting about an hour into my shift. This continued on until end of my shift and all the way home. I honestly can’t recall if I started bleeding more. I just remember wanting to get home and go to bed immediately to ensure the safety of the baby. Which is exactly what I did, unfortunately by then the pain was starting to get worse, as was my bleeding. I remember my husband coming up to check on me and I just started bawling.

I miscarried at home, but still went to the ER hoping they’d tell me different. I don’t know why, but I was so surprised by the physical pain I experienced and was still experiencing on the way to the ER.

I was lucky enough that the ER was basically empty, we went to a neighbouring town with a small hospital. They took me into a room immediately and got out the ultrasound machine. The doctor said she could see a lot of blood, but didn’t see any baby. So, what happened to me at home was now medically confirmed. Again, I just bawled and basically asked for them to give me something to sleep. The doctor was kind enough to leave my husband and I alone for a bit. When she returned, she shared her own miscarriage story with me. She was the loveliest person, and I wish I could remember her name. She treated me with such kindness in my darkest moment, she was who I needed to cross paths with in that exact time. Funny, I can’t remember her name but I know her face so well. I’d recognize her if I bumped into her on the street.  

What followed was a lot of varying emotions and feelings. And, I'm not just talking in the hours, days or even months after.. I'm talking in the years after my miscarriage.

In the beginning severe depression, to the point that food tasted like cardboard. I’ve never experienced that level of depression before.

You then experience extreme jealousy for all those pregnancy announcements thrown in your face on social media. You can’t help but feel loathing for those who get pregnant so easily. For those who never experience the emotional pain you feel. Jealousy is not a common feeling I have, or ever really had, so this was a huge struggle for me. I didn’t feel like myself at all.

You then start isolating yourself, because it’s just easier to avoid the hurt people are causing you. Even if they don’t know they are causing it. I remember not going to many baby showers, because why would I put myself through that?

Then when you consider trying to get pregnant again, you have severe anxiety of it happening all over again. For me, I felt I barely made it out the first time. How would I be able to pick myself back up if it happened again? It’s a truly crippling anxiety.

I know it’s easy for me to say now, 5 years after my miscarriage and 2 years after having a healthy baby, that you will be ok.

I know you think it’s so easy for me to have that outlook, I know if you are suffering right now that you’re thinking it’s easy for me to say any of this. That I’m no longer apart of that world or community.

But, I was apart of that world, for so very long. I have not forgotten the emotional pain and toll that experience took on me. I will never forget it.

I’m not here to preach positivity to you. It's the last thing anyone needs being thrown at them in a time of such despair.

I survived my miscarriage, but did I heal? Not fully. I don’t think you ever fully heal from something like that. I lost so much of myself in that miscarriage, but as time went on and I was able to clearly reflect I see I also gained so much from it.

I solidified a friendship that had lost touch over the years. She was my rock through the whole thing, and continues to be that rock to this day. She has helped me so much through the loss of my best friend, without her who knows what state I’d be in.

I found my spirituality through this experience. A spirituality that has guided me in the 5 years since.

I gained more empathy from going through it, sometimes people tell me too much.

Please know, that when you’re ready I’m here to talk. Or I can just listen. Just please know, you aren’t alone in this. It’s not your fault and, I’m here for you.